I’ve been doing some thinking about the times in my life that I’ve brought a coach in to help me and failed. Almost always, it was because I wasn’t ready or in the right mindset to be coached. Now, having had many opportunities to coach a variety of small business owners, I can look at things from both perspectives. Here is my take on why I have failed my coaches.
On a recent podcast, Marshall Goldsmith shared how he discovered an inverse relationship to the time he spent with his clients and the success they achieved. He realized (with the help of his clients ) that it wasn’t so much about value delivered, as it was picking the clients who could receive the value he could offer.
Using myself as a test subject, I looked at when I’ve succeeded with my coaches and when I haven’t. I think it boils down to four things for me: alignment, desire, vulnerability, and capacity.
Alignment
There have been times when what I wanted was not in alignment with what I or my company needed. For example, there was a time when I wanted to abdicate my leadership authority. Essentially, I wanted the coach to run my business for me. It can be easy to let go of the tough decision and focus on being the expert in my field. It was fun, but not fulfilling and my company lacked the leader it needed for cohesiveness and growth.
Desire
I have to want it enough to put the effort in to make a change. I bring people into my life when I need help. But, when I expect them to do the work for me, I waste everyone’s time.
I need to have a clear vision of what I want and a strong enough desire to overcome the momentum of my existing habits and routines. It is hard to say this because I wish I was more intrinsically motivated, but I usually need to be in some form or discomfort or pain to make the move. In Journey to the East, Hermann Hesse wrote, “As soon as suffering becomes acute enough, one goes forward.” He had his figure on the pulse of humanity. It takes a special person to change without pain as an instigator.
Vulnerability
I have to be vulnerable enough to look in those hard places inside myself and be willing to stumble. I need to be ready and willing to leave my comfort zone. As I mentioned before, this is Geno Wickman’s parable of letting go of the vine.
If I’m not ready to be vulnerable, not ready to look at those weak and wounded spots inside of myself, I’m not going to be ready for growth. Putting it another way, When I think the work is all going to be external and there is nothing that needs to change inside of me, I’m setting myself up to fail. I look to my coach to do all the effort, or (and I’ve done this) expect the world to change to better fit me, and I don’t get anywhere.
Capacity
Furthermore, I have to have the capacity to put in the work. I talked up above about wanting it enough to be willing to put in the work. The corollary is that I also need the space to deliver. I can’t learn to swim when I’m in the water struggling to get my next breath.
Hey future me
Coaches are fantastic. Everyone needs at least one coach in their life. When I look at the people who are most successful in life, they are usually surrounded by coaches. Just make sure you’re ready for the next one you bring into your life!
Thanks to Adarsh Kummur for the beautiful photo of a tree standing by itself on a foggy day.