We all have blind spots. If we want to grow through the, we should encourage and seek out real feedback. In that sense, think negative feedback is a gift. I’m not talking about the kind of feedback you get on the highway from your fellow drivers. That kind of feedback is more a reflection on their character. I’m talking about thoughtful feedback that calls out real shortcomings.
Getting this feedback is hard. For most of us, giving it represents an act of vulnerability. Giving feedback opens you up to attack. Attacks can come as a lash out against your character. They can also surface as a strong justification of why the feedback giver is wrong. Either way, it can be felt as an attack by the person who generously and vulnerably shared their observations.
Here’s the thing, the way that person perceives that issue – in you, your company, your product, etc. exists regardless of your awareness. Wouldn’t you rather know? How many times have you not told someone their fly was down or that they have salad greens in their teeth? Glossing over the uncomfortable can come across as nice, but it is not kind. Personally, I want to encourage the people in my life to call me out when they see things in misalignment. Be it with my clothing, my actions, or my work.
Getting real feedback is hard
I recently gave a presentation to a bunch of folks. It was on a topic that I’ve been spending a ton of time thinking about. Part of the presentation was how we have to be careful that we step outside of our own context. It is easy to get caught up in our own perspective when describing new concepts.
The course was kind of a beta test. Everyone knew it was a dry run. They were here both to learn and to give me feedback. The feedback was resoundingly positive. Everyone shared what they got out of the course, what they will implement, and ways to make it better. I was thrilled.
It wasn’t until later that night when I asked a very thoughtful friend who had attended, to give me his feedback. He opened the floodgates. It was both terrible and awesome. It was particularly uncomfortable at one point, when he showed me how I did exactly the thing I was warning against in the presentation. Amazing!
We can be so close that we miss the important stuff
For me, this reinforces that we all need feedback. It is so easy to get so close to something that we no longer accurately see it. In my case, it was extra self-referential as I was talking about this very topic! In either case, I think this happens more than we realize. I lost the bigger context.
In The Mom Test, Rob Fitzpatrick talks about how people want to be helpful. I find that, when asking for feedback, most people will shy away from the meaty issues and give a polite answer that may address something on the surface. Fitzpatrick talks about this in the context of working to understand your customers. People generally want to help and leave you feeling positively. Asking a question like, “What do you think of my new product idea?” is setting yourself up for positively skewed feedback. When I asked people what they thought of the course I made, unsurprisingly, people were complimentary.
It may be uncomfortable to get detailed, nuanced feedback that calls out the real issues. Way more uncomfortable than getting the more generic but lazy “it sucked” kind of thing that has no value and is mostly reflecting the other person’s anger/frustration/imbalances. The real negative feedback is a gift. It shows the other person put thought into their experience and has found a way to communicate that to you.
Hey future me!
Go forth and find people who will tell you with love that your fly is down, that you’ve got salad in your teeth, and your tag is showing. Keeping that growth-oriented mindset, understanding that focusing on the system is more important than the outcomes, and encouraging real feedback will help you grow.
Thanks to Steven Kamenar for the cool photo of the trees.